When I acquired a marriage invitation from my associates Jiyeon Kim and Olof Norlander this 12 months, I knew precisely the place I’d decide up their marriage ceremony current: the financial institution.
The two had already married in Uppsala, Sweden, the place they dwell, however Ms. Kim’s father wished the newlyweds to have a second ceremony in Changwon, South Korea, the place he had spent years attending the weddings of his associates’ and colleagues’ youngsters.
As is custom, he gave the marrying {couples} envelopes of money recognized in Korean as chug-ui-geum, or congratulatory cash. Having a marriage in South Korea would permit him not solely to share the joyous event along with his household and associates, but in addition to offset the prices of the occasion with reciprocated money presents from attendees.
“We can’t deny that the surplus in money was one of the good outcomes of the wedding,” stated Ms. Kim, 32, who held her second ceremony in May.
Weddings are peaking presently of 12 months, and in Asia, it has lengthy been customized to congratulate marrying {couples} with money as a substitute of presents from a registry. In South Korea, company current their envelopes of money to an appointed buddy or member of the family of the newlywed couple upon arriving on the reception. In return, they’re introduced with a meal ticket that permits them entrance to the marriage banquet, and the quantity given is discreetly written in a register. Guests who can’t attend are given the choice to wire cash to the newlyweds’ checking account quantity written on the invitation.
While it has grow to be more and more widespread for {couples} within the United States to ask for money when getting married, it’s nonetheless uncommon for American {couples} to have a registry that’s money solely, stated Emily Forrest, director of communications for Zola, a marriage registry web site.
Nobu Nakaguchi, a co-founder at Zola, stated he seen cultural variations in gift-giving when he received married in 2005. He had a Roman Catholic marriage ceremony within the United States and a Buddhist marriage ceremony in Japan. It was an enchanting expertise to obtain money at his Japanese marriage ceremony, he stated, since many Americans imagine that giving money is gauche.
“If you go to an Asian country like Japan or Korea, the expectation is to receive a cash gift,” Mr. Nakaguchi, 48, stated. “I don’t think we’re fully there in the U.S.”
Despite long-held customs round giving money, discussing expectations about cash was thought of a cultural taboo in Asian nations, stated Lee Eun-hee, a client science professor at Inha University in South Korea.
“While money gifts are expected and desired, our culture forbids us to explicitly spell out what we want,” she stated, stating that for this reason etiquette dictates cash be introduced in envelopes.
This dichotomy has resulted in a wealthy dialog across the etiquette of giving money at weddings in Asia. Should a present mirror the price of your banquet meal? How do you set a numerical worth on a friendship? Here are some unwritten guidelines on how giving cash works at Asian weddings.
When Parents Own the Wedding
Mengqi Wang, an assistant professor of anthropology at Duke Kunshan University who had two weddings in China, described each of her experiences as giant affairs that didn’t attempt to mirror her and her husband’s relationship. She felt an obligation to have the ceremonies, largely as a result of she knew they have been necessary rituals for her mother and father.
“We don’t have that money,” she stated of the money presents, which in the end went to her mother and father. “I don’t even know how much money my parents got.”
While weddings in Asia are more and more turning into much less conventional, mother and father play an important function in arranging the occasion and making monetary selections as a result of they’re typically paying for it. It’s widespread for fogeys to find out how a lot of the congratulatory cash the newlyweds hold.
This is why a father or mother at a Korean marriage ceremony is known as the hon-ju, or proprietor of the marriage. Many Korean {couples} work out a system with their mother and father by which they hold a particular portion of the cash. However, when cash could also be a degree of competition, some brides will appoint a gabang-sooni, or particular person answerable for your bag, to gather the cash in personal moderately than on the reception.
Don’t Show Me the Money
Gift cash is rarely meant to be bodily seen. To work round this, many Asian cultures have particular envelopes for the event. In South Korea, solely crisp, new payments are to be introduced — stacked front-first — in a white envelope with the giver’s title written vertically on it.
In Japan, the shugi-bukuro, or envelope for congratulatory cash, was historically made by hand in purple and white, however can now be purchased in a wide range of colours. In many Chinese cultures, the envelope most related to the Lunar New Year, hong-bao, is famously purple. Since cash is given for a variety of events, together with funerals, Asian marriage ceremony attendees ought to ensure the right envelope is given.
Recently, sending cash by means of a financial institution switch or electronically by way of digital envelopes on messaging apps like WeChat and KakaoTalk has additionally grow to be acceptable.
Calculate Your Closeness
Ms. Kim, who has attended weddings in Europe and Asia, stated it was a lot tougher for her to resolve how a lot to contribute to a marriage in Sweden, because the customs are totally different.
While a present anyplace is a consideration of your relationship and the social state of affairs, there may be typically a socially accepted method to gift-giving in Asia that takes into consideration a wide range of elements, together with beliefs about auspicious numbers and energy in relationships.
In Japan, the place the typical goshugi, or envelope of money given at an auspicious event, is someplace from 30,000 yen ($211) to 50,000 yen ($350), it’s typically understood {that a} youthful grownup or faculty scholar ought to contribute ¥10,000 ($70), whereas office superiors and older relations ought to intention for the upper finish of that vary or extra.
General recommendation from Korean blogs and society reporting recommends asking your self these questions to grasp what constitutes an in depth relationship: Is the particular person inviting you a piece colleague? Did you obtain a cell invitation solely? Does your mom know this particular person’s title? Would your mom’s response to listening to the particular person’s title be “Oh, right, that person’s daughter”? Any reply pointing to closeness would add to the suitable quantity — sometimes leading to a fee from 50,000 received ($39) to 100,000 received ($77), in line with a survey of South Korean singles in 2022.
Ms. Wang, the anthropology professor, stated the cash given at weddings was additionally used to ascertain a stronger bond, or guanxi.
“The wedding is one of those occasions where you get to give a gift to someone,” she stated. “Without a special occasion, it would look out of context. To give a gift — a good one — is also a way to cement relationships.”
It’s not only a financial change however an change of credit score and debt, she added.
As such, the marriage present giving system has been abused by folks in energy, and governments in Asia have even tried to manage presents to stop bribery and corruption. In South Korea, an anti-graft regulation, the Kim Young-ran Act, was put into place limiting how a lot public servants might be given on numerous events — capping money presents at 100,000 received at weddings. But the act has been troublesome to implement as a result of a separate entity must audit every present introduced on the ceremonies.
Cover Your Plate
In addition to social place and proximity, standard knowledge in Asia says the price of the banquet meal needs to be factored in. This concept is so widespread in Singapore that dozens of internet sites lay out how a lot a desk prices at most main accommodations within the nation.
Michelle Tay, an editor at Singapore Brides, says that whereas she encourages readers to pay as a lot ang bao (Hokkien for purple envelope) as they’ll, many individuals prefer to have a tough estimate of how a lot others are paying by first trying on the costs listed on the venue.
“Every half a year or so, venues will adjust their banquet prices according to rising costs,” Ms. Tay stated. “This indirectly causes people to feel pressured to pay more when they check the ang bao guides that are updated with the new rates.”
Ms. Lee, the buyer science professor, is commonly contacted by Korean media organizations for recommendation on how a lot to pay at a marriage. She stated her rule of thumb was at all times: “Look up the venue where the couple is getting married. See how much a meal there costs. And if you will not cover the price of your plate, it’s better not to go and send them an electronic transfer of 50,000 won instead.”
Use a Lucky Number
Since many Asian cultures have superstitions round cash, it could be clever to search for which numbers are thought of fortunate on the marriage ceremony in query. In South Korea, the quantity 4 is taken into account unfortunate due to its resemblance to the character for dying. In Japan, be cautious of any sum that’s divisible by two, as a result of it’s simply separated. In China, values ending in eight are most well-liked for his or her affiliation with wealth and prosperity.
It’s Not Tit for Tat
Ms. Wang stated her mom’s precept was at all times: “You have to remember how much the person gave you, and you reciprocate, but never the equal amount of value. It shouldn’t feel like a market transaction. Reciprocate by adding a little more to indicate you want to continue to have a relationship with that person.”
Her mom’s recommendation additionally got here with a warning: “If you pay too much more, it can come across as arrogance.”
In China, when she is uncertain of how a lot to pay, Ms. Wang calls her associates to check notes.
“If we lived in a perfectly closed community, everybody would know their positions and they would know how much to give, but the reality is that we’re always mobile,” she stated. This is true whether or not an individual is attempting to place a determine on a marriage present, sending condolences to a funeral (additionally a money present in lots of Asian nations) or attempting to select a present for a child bathe.
In some methods, “it’s no different than what happens in America,” Mr. Nakaguchi stated. People keep in mind what company spent at their marriage ceremony and attempt to reciprocate equal or increased values.
Source: www.nytimes.com